Week 3 is when people start to crack on The Bachelor. After two weeks of adjusting to their weird new reality, by the third week friendships have been formed — as have rivalries. And people are more comfortable letting their true colors come out. Which maybe some people shouldn't be!
The first group date of the week was some kind of...pirate simulator? It was in a theater with a pirate ship? I guess it was Medieval Times but with pirates. The girls dressed up in pirate outfits and did pirate stuff. "I don't want to be another one of those yo-ho-hos," Demi said. Hardy har har. Beauty pageant nemeses Alabama Hannah and Caelynn had a Q-tip fight and Hannah beat the poop (deck) out of Caelynn, but Caelynn was selected to compete against Tracy in the "rescue Captain Colton" show in front of an audience. Caelynn won, of course, and they kissed in front of everyone, but mostly in front of Hannah. The whole date was designed to push Alabama Hannah over the edge.
During the cocktail party, Colton and Katie had a nice chat. They have been getting along, but we haven't seen much of Katie. Katie might be the girl who sneaks into the final four. Meanwhile, Demi and Elderly 31-Year-Old Tracy deepened their animosity, and Demi blindfolded Colton and spanked him. Colton is genuinely very uncomfortable around Demi. He's not nervous in a good way, Demi! She interrupted Courtney, who pulled her aside and asked her to chill out, and Demi hit her with the Not Here to Make Friends attitude.
Caelynn and Colton's pirate kiss wasn't very good, so then they had a bunch of nice kisses during the cocktail party, which had Hannah "shook." So she had to use her time with Colton to talk smack about Caelynn, which means she will be gone soon. Contestants only badmouth other contestants to the bachelor/ette when their own relationship isn't working. Hannah said that she and Caeylnn used to be friends and had a falling out, but she wouldn't say exactly what happened. She did drop a bomb on Colton, saying that if he likes Caelynn, she feels like he couldn't possibly like her, too. They're that different, the implication being Caelynn is so wicked and Hannah is so good. This really upset Colton. He covered his face in his hands in the universal gesture of "I don't want to deal with this." He didn't want to kiss her as she was leaving, but she pressured him into giving her a little one. She walked away saying "he f---ing hates me." He called Caelynn over, and she said it was a stressful situation and there are hard things that have happened to her in her life that she's not ready to talk to him about. Colton went and got the group date rose and gave it to her. Caelynn might be final two!
The next day, the beauty queens retreated to their corners of the house and cried to their friends. Hannah said that if Colton sends her home instead of Caelynn he's a "freakin' idiot." Hannah's doomed.
Here 👏🏼 is 👏🏼 the 👏🏼 thing 👏🏼— Gay Bachelor Bitch 🌹 (@BGaytion) January 22, 2019
Do I believe everything Hannah says about Caelynn is true? 100% yes.
Is Caelynn playing the game better and therefore more interesting to watch? 100% yes.
Bye Hannah. You're a snooze. #TheBachelor #BachelorNation
Colton had a 1-on-1 date with Elyse, who is six years older than Colton and has red hair. They took a helicopter to San Diego and went to an amusement park with a bunch of unsupervised kids. There were like 20 of them. Where are these kids' parents??? Colton loves to talk about how much charity work he does with children. It's how he was introduced back on The Bachelorette, and it's still clearly the aspect he wants to be the defining thing about him.
imagine thinking you were going on a nice romantic date and instead you get stuck babysitting?? #thebachelor— Max (@GospelOfMax) January 22, 2019
During dinner, Elyse talked about her sister getting diagnosed with cancer while she was pregnant and giving birth shortly before she passed. Honestly one of the saddest stories ever told on The Bachelor. Elyse is a strong woman for getting through that. She got a rose and then they went to one of those signature Bachelor concerts by a country singer no one has ever heard of. They literally do this date every season. Hello Tenille Arts! That's quite a name you have!
#thebachelor isn't even trying to pretend to do something new with the helicopters, non eating dinner in a fancy room followed by a "surprise" concert with an unknown artist.— Lauren B (@lauurenbee) January 22, 2019
The second group date was working out. No thanks! Nicole, my favorite contestant, said they extent of her athletic exertion is walking her dog. She couldn't do a pull-up. But here's the thing....their trainers for the day were American treasure Terry Crews and his wife Rebecca. The girls competed to see who's the Strongest Bachelor Woman and did stuff like push a sled with a weighted wedding cake through the sand. It looked really hard. Nicole couldn't do it. Catherine — who isn't a villain after all, she's fine — flipped a truck tire. Onyeka won.
I started to like Nicole less when she said "I'm here for all the right reasons." None of the other conversations made an impression on me. Sometimes these episodes really have a hard time filling two hours. Colton sent Caitlin home during the group date, and even that didn't bring the energy level up, because we had no idea who Caitlin was. Cutting her at that moment didn't feel urgent. She was sacrificed in order to keep the other girls on their toes. But at least she has something to talk about on Bachelor in Paradise. Nicole got the group date rose.
Instead of a pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, they had a pool party, which was all about Colton being shirtless and jumping into the pool and splashing the girls. He told Hannah G. that even though she didn't get a date this week, she was nothing to worry about. Alabama Hannah saw Colton talking to Caelynn and described herself as a "beautiful monster" with a "tank of rage" inside of her who was going to destroy Caelynn. Then she roared. Scary!
Caelynn took the initiative and told Colton about what happened between her and Hannah. Caelynn did better at Miss USA and Hannah got jealous and mean. She couldn't be happy for Caelynn's success. Hannah is "manipulative," "toxic" and "deceitful." 2019 is the year of the Cancel Toxic People Challenge, so Hannah's even more doomed. For her part, Hannah said Caelynn is "fake." Colton didn't know which of these deceitful Miss USA alumni to believe, not even after Hannah said "Just freakin' trust me!"
He was very stressed out. Colton seems like he has a hard time having fun. It was so serious that we saw him talk to a producer, and then they called in Chris Harrison to consult. This is gonna be a long season if Colton is already turning to Chris Harrison for advice.
Running for Congress with the slogan of "Just freaking trust me".#thebachelor— Charlotte Clymer🏳️🌈 (@cmclymer) January 22, 2019
Hannah B. got the final rose of the night, because drama. Catherine, Nina and the Fake Australian got sent home. Catherine couldn't keep her night one heat going. Next week we're gonna get a full-on Hannah meltdown when the show travels to Singapore. Jesus.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.